Every single night when I get into bed, waiting for my magnesium and ashwagandha to kick in, my hyperactive brain is typically spinning. Four thoughts are constantly fighting for my attention and there’s background music. In order to find my zen, I say the Lord’s Prayer and maybe I’ll throw in a Hail Mary (shoutout childhood Catholicism). After this, I go into my gratitude for the day, who I’m wanting to pray for and why, THEN I will ask God for specifics. Is this way of prayer “good” per se? Probably not. I bet I would send a group full of first-row-pew-sitters into a tizzy with the way that I pray.
A few years ago, when I was job hunting, I prayed that I’d get every single job I applied to that night. Every one of them, no exceptions. Looking back, the best job I could have asked for wasn’t even posted yet. It showed up months later completely out of nowhere. Asking God for exact outcomes can start to feel less like prayer and more like a demand. Praying for wisdom instead, or patience, or love, is a lot harder to do.
Falling asleep mid-prayer happens more than I’d like to admit. Most nights I don’t make it to amen. My brain needs to stay in prayer mode just to calm down enough to sleep in the first place. The second I actually finish, it clocks back in: to-do lists, random errands, whatever intrusive thought decided to show up that night. Half finished has become the only version that works.
Every one of these moments used to come with a scorecard attached, and I’d walk away thinking I’d failed the test of faithfulness. I used to think that meant I was doing it wrong. Like there was a cleaner version of prayer out there, and I just hadn’t found it yet.
There’s also the version of prayer that only shows up when you need something. That one can feel the ickiest if I’m honest. It felt like when you only text someone when you want something from them. However, if you’re not praying regularly I actually think this is a fine place to start. Letting the need you’re after be the reason you finally start talking to God isn’t the failure people make it out to be. If urgency is the only reason you ever show up that’s one thing, but if it’s the catalyst for you to keep coming back… I’m all for it.
“Badly” stopped feeling like failing once I started adding gratitude in every single day. Not the five-things-list-before-bed kind. Just noticing. Like the times I wouldn’t hit a red light when I was already running late. “Thank you, God” after a good meal with a friend, for the friendship and for being able to afford the meal in the first place. “Thank you for a job that pays the bills I’m allowed to stress about, and for things still being okay.” Badly is still praying. God isn’t grading form.
Praying badly, according to anyone including yourself, really isn’t bad. Praying regardless is always a good place to be. It means you believe someone’s actually there, watching over you, working things out in your favor. Believing is usually the hardest part. Go ahead and pray badly for a while, until you get the hang of your relationship with Him.
♡ Syd