I'm finally back in my college body, and a 30 minute walk is what got me here. I didn’t find the perfect morning routine… or really a routine in general. I lowered the bar until I could clear it every day, and I learned to keep one small promise to myself at a time.
I played volleyball in college and the years leading up to it were built around training. From 12-18 discipline and consistency were drilled into me long before I stepped on campus. Being a teenage girl is hard enough while you grow into your body and are dealing with boys, mean girls and training as an athlete. Having that body and your skills evaluated on top of it is frustrating in a way that stays with you. By the time I got to college I had spent most of my life being measured.
I still felt the best I ever had during those years. The schedule and the training were set for me, and my body responded to the structure. What I never learned was how to manage my stress and performance anxiety. The structure put a bandaid over that burden for me, and I didn’t realize it until it was done playing.
When volleyball ended, I was left to my own devices and had no idea what to do. Not only was I not an athlete anymore, but I was experiencing what it was like to truly be lost for the first time. I had spent my whole life in a gym working towards something. Now that I had to run my own training and figuring out my purpose, I had no clue where to start. Someone else had always decided when I showed up, what I did, and how hard I pushed. Without that I was lost.
I was suddenly an adult with adult money. I could go anywhere, do anything I wanted, and I was already used to eating whatever I wanted because I was so use to training hard. I was in Kansas City and let's be real… going out with friends is essentially the main hobby there. Don’t get me wrong, I had SO much fun. But between the mismanaged anxiety and an outright identity crisis, I was looking for purpose anywhere I could feel it, and I felt it out with my friends. I gained weight, numerous insecurities, throw being lost with no purpose on top of that, and that’s the recipe for confidence issues.
The best way to build confidence is to keep promises to yourself, even small ones, and I couldn’t even manage to do that. When you’re in the Lost Loop, you’ll do anything to get it to stop.
“I need to workout in the mornings, drink more water, go out less, and eat only chicken and rice.”
“Ok, if I don’t let myself go out with my friends this weekend, then I can do one thing with them next weekend.”
(This type of mindset doesn’t work btw. Not sustainable at all.)
I would plan to work out in the morning before a busy day, knowing I wouldn’t make it in the evening because of my schedule, then I would snooze the alarm. I was so tired from the Lost Loop in my head. When the last alarm finally went off, I would realize it was way past when I had wanted to be up. Dread, disappointment, and a little shame hit all at once. That’s a horrible way to start the day. String a few of those mornings together and your confidence is shot.
I was exhausted from living in my own brain and from running myself down at work, therefore, I wasn’t treating my body right. Exhaustion made the promises harder to keep and breaking them wore me down further.
It took getting out of that environment and doing real work on myself to understand how much ADHD has to do with not keeping promises to yourself. Those promises get buried under the ping-ponging thoughts accompanied by background music. All that noise is stressful and feeds the anxiety. Once I finally figured out this was the root cause of all my other issues, I changed how I treated myself. Another task added to my morning routine or my day wasn’t going to be the antidote. Instead, I started with grace and patience.
I wasn’t going to go cut everything off cold turkey or weigh myself down with supplements and everything else this industry feeds you. I started with one sentence: a 30 minute walk outside, at any point in the day I was awake, was good enough.
That became my minimum. Thirty minutes of intentionally moving every day I could. Walking counted. Lifting counted. Getting my heart rate up on purpose counted. My brain defaults to "that checks the box," which turned out to be exactly what I needed. More often than not, once I started, I ended up in a workout for at least 45 minutes of real work. The minimum got me started, and getting started is all I needed to keep going.
Over time, the daily minimum grew into set workouts every week. Keeping that promise changed how I felt, and it pulled sleep into the picture. What your body does while it rests is just as important as the workout, and with no sleep nothing feels good.
Sleep led into food. For YEARS… I was a victim of the online fads and cheap “healthy” protein grabs. I even subscribed to the keto bullshit back in 2017. I felt HORRIBLE. Now, I have more energy and clarity to get my 30 minutes in when I’m mostly eating well, and I still enjoy food often and socially. It snowballed. Showing up in the gym, in the kitchen, and in my bed is what lets me have everything else life offers that doesn’t require tracking on an app.
The only tracker I want in my life is a flight tracker.
Travel put all of this to the test. I travel often for work and for fun. A couple of weeks in a row, I was on work trips and hadn’t prepared myself in the kitchen since I wouldn’t have one at any Marriott in the southeast nor the Caribbean. Eating out 2-3 meals a day for three days while working ten hours on my feet is a lot. I was also not in my own bed, so my sleep suffered too. I love Marriott, but their bed is not curated for me. Trip after trip, I felt terrible both mentally and physically.
I took matters into my own hands in what seems like little ways. I pack my lunches and enjoy dinner at a local restaurant. If the hotel only has a treadmill, I walk on an incline for 30 minutes and dumbbells are a bonus. If I am too exhausted after a work day, I let sleep be the reward, and I get my 30 minutes the next day. A few things from home come with me, like my silk pillowcase, my favorite pajamas, and my book, so that a hotel room feels a little more like mine.
At home, I stopped putting so much pressure on the routine since no two days look the same. I make a tentative plan the night before, based on what the next day holds. Some days my workout is in the morning, and some days I am with the PM crowd. I prep my lunches at a minimum and keep a few dinner options open so nothing is strict. On the days I miss, I tell myself it is okay and I start again tomorrow.
I dont track dinners with friends or family. I enjoy them! If I’m tired from a fun night out or from staying up too late trying to finish the Throne of Glass series, I’m happy with that kind of tired.
We live in a world that drills military-style routine and consistency into us. Don’t get me wrong, it has its place most of the time. Still, we aren’t in danger or completely off the wagon if we don’t do the exact same thing every single day, even though our brains and society tell us we are. We can have all the same benefits and tailor them to ourselves. That’s where I’ve finally found success.
My version of consistency might look like inconsistency to the naked eye. I work out 3-4x every single week, and I’m trending toward intentional movement every single day. I sleep pretty well, and I’m still a party girl at heart. I choose those late nights on purpose with people who fill my cup. I love to cook and try new recipes, and I challenge myself to make the dishes I love with better ingredients. I still hit up a late night fast food or pizza run about once a quarter.
Consistency for me is balance. It’s enjoying my life while doing what I need to do to feel good. It has me feeling better than I did in college.
Keeping small promises to myself is what rebuilt my confidence. The size of the promise mattered less than keeping it. I couldn’t do it in Kansas City, but I can now. My promises are small enough to fit into a hotel gym or a late night with friends and the consistency has followed.
♡ Syd