Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist
Participation trophies should be banned...
Block —> Breakthrough
Over the last several days I’ve had writers block for this. “How,” you ask, “you don’t even have that many posts?” And you are correct. If the last one (The Greatest Hits of All Time) was about why change matters, this one’s about how it actually happens; slowly, awkwardly, and sometimes after hitting snooze three times. That’s exactly why I’m here to talk about habits, perfectionism, and change. These three things seem to be competing for their seat at the table constantly.
Let me explain.
The All-or-Nothing Trap
The research shows that a morning routine of any kind is a deal breaker for how the rest of the day will go. For as long as I can remember, if I don’t have to get up for something, work or class or a workout, I will snooze the absolute piss out of my alarm. If there is no urgency to get it done or be somewhere, you’ll catch me sleeping. “Okay, so I want to get up at 5 AM, brush my teeth, go to the gym, follow this workout split for each day, stretch, gratitude journal, then have a healthy breakfast. EASY!” The morning would come, I would flop over to my nightstand to turn my alarm off on my phone, contemplate my decision, and either go back to bed or scroll on my phone.
Now I’ve just wasted time, brain power, and filled my brain with everyone else on social media instead of focusing on myself. “Why even try this? This isn’t for me, and it’s not going to work. I want freedom of my morning and not to be so regimented,” is the story I’ve sold myself on until now.
The Master of Disguise
Here’s what I’ve realized. Perfectionism easily disguises itself as high standards. As an athlete/performer/high achiever, it’s natural to want to achieve great success, especially when you’ve tasted it. A win feels significantly better when it’s fully earned and not given out like a participation trophy. Don’t get me wrong this is a GREAT quality to have, but just like all great things, too much of it isn’t necessarily a good thing.
Too much of listening to this Master of Disguise can have us thinking, “If you can’t do it perfectly, don’t bother.” It makes small failures feel like a complete collapse. It’s like when you’re going to a new place in an unfamiliar city, make a few wrong turns, and deciding the whole trip isn’t even going to be worth it. The all-or-nothing mindset kills consistency before it even starts. That’s how it felt when I wanted to start writing again just a few short weeks ago. “You said you wanted to write every day, but now it’s been days without anything. You might as well just stop.” That’s when I decided to kill the all-or-nothing mindset before it could kill my ideas.
Breaking the Habit
Over the last few weeks, I’ve been tweaking my morning routines making the focus to be in the Word and out of my own way. Today, I didn’t snooze my alarm. Today, I read Mark 2:1-20 before I went on a walk to the beach before sunrise. Today, I came back and made myself a whole foods breakfast before sitting down to write this. Today, I started to break myself of the all-or-nothing shackles. When I was sitting on the beach, I thought to myself, “it doesn’t have to be this complicated, and I can edit my mornings to whatever I need them to be. As long as I’m starting my day with peace.”
Peace > Perfect (yes, you read that right…hear me out.)
With anything that isn’t fully serving us in life, we must reframe. Lowering our expectations for a little to build consistency. Showing up even imperfectly. Writing even when we don’t feel like we have the words. Instead of aiming for that perfect morning, I’m aiming for being present in my mornings. Sometimes that might look like water and the Word or a 10-minute walk vs. a 3-mile walk.
By lowering the standard ever-so-slightly allows room for patience and grace for ourselves. Feeling a small win of trying something new will build the confidence to keep you going. Imposter syndrome or comparison may creep in, and he’s just as bad as that rascal, the Master of Disguise. This isn’t about them. This is about YOUR WINS. Take the load off for a little bit, and see how you feel. I promise it’s worth it.
One Imperfect Step at a Time
Change isn’t about big gestures, rather small and repeated choices. Atomic Habits by James Clear tell us that creating habits must start small. Outcomes → Process → Identity. Our identity drives us to our process that result in the outcomes. Forming and refining our identity is sometimes the foreign and uncomfortable part which keeps us in the perfectionist cycle of doom. Showing up imperfectly is still showing up when you’re building a new identity within yourself. Change doesn’t have to come from doing everything perfectly. Most of the time, it comes from deciding to try again, one imperfect morning at a time.